A short guide to a fulfilled life
Happiness. The single biggest preoccupation of a modern-day life. When this question is asked: “Do you want to be happy?” 90.99% of people will answer yes. However there is a serious flaw to that question. It treats happiness as a goal, as something one works towards and will get there eventually. This is profoundly wrong. Happiness is a skill and a lifestyle. Mastering a skill requires constant pruning and experimentation. Happiness grows with the person. Moreover the word happiness is often confused with pleasure and momentary good feelings produced from hormonal activations. Therefore, a better word to use is ‘fulfillment’. ‘How can I constantly experience fulfillment in life?’ This is a better question to ask. Fulfillment doesn’t discriminate between positive and negative experiences because it represents a bigger picture. A fulfilled life means a meaningful life. A meaningful life requires you to have balanced motivations. Here’s what I mean.
Level 2 Motivation Map
This is the level 2 motivation map of the brain. It represents all the motivations a human being can possibly have. The motivations on the left hand side are left brain motivators or extrinsic motivators. Those on the right hand side are right brain motivators or intrinsic motivators. The top half of the motivations produce positive emotions (Human) but lack a sense of urgency. The bottom half ones produce negative emotions (Lizard) but possess a powerful sense of urgency. The inner octagon represents the basic instinctive motivations while the outer octagon represents the more complex motivations that are influenced by culture and circumstance.
My conjecture is this: if you are motivated by all of the 8 areas at once, it will lead to real fulfillment in life. In other words, having a balanced motivational profile is the best way to achieve lasting happiness.
In my case, I am heavily motivated by freedom, curiosity and progress. I enjoy challenging myself and mastering new skills. I am also motivated to explore new locations and trying out new games. I work more in an exciting unpredictable environment that is filled with many opportunities for me to grow. I feel somewhat fulfilled but not a 100%. Why is that? Because I am missing out the crucial experiences in other areas. So I intentionally choose activities that will give me motivation from the other 5 areas. After that experiment, my levels of fulfillment become all-time high. It’s quite magical.
Here are different ways to be motivated by all 8 areas. Choose one option from each area.
1. Narrative (Choose one of the following)
· Choose an activity that will give you a higher meaning. It could be volunteering. It could be having a baby. It could be helping the disadvantaged or the disabled. It could be supporting your elderly parents. Ask yourself: what is the one thing that I can do right now which will give me a sense of higher meaning?
· Subscribe to an ideal or religion you sincerely believe in. Believing in something larger than yourself will provide you with a clear sense of direction that you may desperately need. Then you do everything in your power to serve that ideal. Moreover you can connect with like-minded individuals who also believe in the same things you do.
· Contemplating about enormous things will provide you with that delicious feeling of awe. Learning about the universe, looking at large man-made buildings, and thinking about God all activate awe. Sometimes it’s good to remind ourselves that we barely matter in the grand scheme of things.
2. Progress (Choose one of the following)
· Enter a competition where you can win valuable prizes by doing the things you are already good at. It doesn’t matter how unorthodox the competition sounds. Those feelings of winning and accomplishment will give you an unforgettable experience regardless of the competition.
· Choose one skill or area of knowledge where you can grow to be a master. Just one! When you become a master, those who want to learn will come to you for advice. People will be willingly to give you money just to listen to your word.
· Find someone younger and inexperienced who is teeming with potential to mentor. Teaching someone of the things you know will give you a valuable sense of pride when that person accomplish big goals in life.
3. Freedom (Choose one of the following)
· Challenge yourself in doing something difficult. It could be playing a difficult game. Or it could be purposely volunteering for a hard project. You will only discover how much you can do after tackling a difficult challenge.
· Add more creativity in your life. It could be painting, playing a piano or hip hop dancing. If not, try to be more creative in the work you are currently doing. Or start a new business. Or build a DIY project. Coming up with crazy innovative ideas is always a lot of fun.
· Participate in an activity where you can read the other person’s head and winning it. Chess is a famous example where the game requires you to outwit and out-think your opponent. Winning a chess game is highly addictive because it confirms of your superiority over your opponent. Playing competitive multiplayer games will also give that similar feeling.
4. Security (Choose two of the following)
· Invest your personal savings so that it will grow slowly. Put away 10% of your earnings every month to invest. Eventually, you will never have to think about financial stress.
· Buy an apartment. Having a place that you personally own will give you that precious sense of freedom and security all in one.
· Start a family. Starting a family is the most fulfilling project you will ever participate in. Be sure to choose someone who loves you and who will compliment your strengths by covering up your weaknesses.
· Collect something that you personally find valuable. For example, I enjoy collecting wise quotes and my mom likes collecting coffee cups from different cities around the world. Collecting them gives us a sense of comfort.
· Make sure all your physical needs are properly met. Having a proper sleep, eating a balanced diet, doing physical exercise and maintaining a satisfying sex life will go a long way in providing you with constant happiness.
5. Social Connection (Choose two of the following)
· Build at least 5 best friend relationships. These 5 people are someone you can trust with your life. It takes some effort to build the friendships but it’s worth it. They could be your blood relatives or not. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you have at least 5 people whom you care about and who cares about you.
· Regularly plan social events for your friends and colleagues. Do it once every month.
· Join a group of like-minded people. They are those who believe in similar things as you do. Contribute to the group as much as possible. Being an active member of the group is more fulfilling than being a passive member.
· Volunteer for a charity. Providing your free services for a good cause will flood you with positive feelings every day.
6. Essentialism (Choose one of the following)
· Buy one expensive product/service every year that you will be proud to show off to your friends and family.
· Stay for a night in a 5-star hotel room every 3 months. It can act as a reward after you have accomplished something difficult. Experiencing a luxurious experience every now and then is not harmful. It will give more motivation afterwards.
· Attend a prestigious party where the big cats lurk. Exchanging your thoughts and ideas with accomplished individuals will give you a valuable sense of perspective that you may be lacking.
· Speaking of cats, buy a pet. Research shows that having a pet will make you happier and bring more meaning in everyday life. It is always a good investment.
7. Curiosity (Choose one of the following)
· Subscribe to a magazine that will update you with new things you are personally excited about. Then discuss about the new thing with others who also care about it. The feeling of excitement for novelty is hard to describe. Get on the hype train!
· Travel to new places and exotic cultures. Not only travelling expands your worldview, you can also appreciate incredible things that exist in the world. Be sure to mingle with the local people in a new country. Perhaps you may make valuable friends.
· Read books! If you hate reading that means you have been reading the wrong books. There are many categories of books you can read. In fiction, there are science fiction, historical fiction, romantic fiction, crime fiction and many more. If you are not excited by fictional books you may like books that are connected to real life. Non-fiction categories like scientific books, history, politics, business and practical books and many others. Research on the type of books you may be interested to read and start experimenting. Be ruthless in your selection process in the beginning. Don’t care about anything except the books you like. In time, you can test with new categories.
8. Fear: This is a special area that requires more explanation. You may think, why does having fear will give me more fulfillment? Evolution made sure that fear is a crucial motivator of all animals for a good reason. Fear keeps you alive because it forces you to avoid potential danger. It has enormous influence in your everyday behavior. Do not let fear dominate your life but possessing a small dose of existential fear is enough to boost motivation in all of the other areas. That said you should subscribe to only one type of fear that you particularly care about. Here are a short list of different fears. If you have more suggestions than please comment them down below.
· Fear of death: If you die in a month, how do you want to live in this month? Then live like that. Or think how you want to be remembered by the world after you die. Then do the things others will remember you after you die. It could be something small like genuinely saying thank you to your husband/wife once every day.
· Fear of disappointing your loved ones: Do the things that your loved ones will be proud of and don’t do the things they will be disappointed at.
· Fear of homelessness: Pay your bills and don’t borrow money. Save and invest. Be a part of a caring community. Learn new skills and knowledge so that you can work in a good job. Do everything in your power to make sure that you will never ever become financially challenged.
· Fear of being stuck: Feeling stuck in a career that you don’t particularly care about is the worst feeling in the world. Feeling stuck in a bad relationship is also just as bad. Quit your job. Break up the bad relationship. They are not worth your precious energy and time. Make sure that you are always growing in all of the areas.
· Fear of ruining your reputation: A splendid reputation is a man’s greatest treasure. Some people are willing to die than to tarnish their reputation. If you are particularly influenced by that, then make sure this never happens. Do not take actions you may regret later. Find activities you can do in the other areas of motivation in the diamond model that will increase your precious reputation.
· Fear of God: If you believe that God is watching your every move, then live your life according God’s teachings. This is a good fear to have because it discourages you from doing socially unacceptable behaviors.
To conclude, I will repeat again that if you choose to do at least one option from each of the areas of motivation, I guarantee you a more fulfilled life. If you are weak in certain motivation type, then focus more on that. I hope I have given you a valuable insight that you can use in your everyday life.