Gamifying Interpersonal Relationships

In the age of smartphones and the internet, our personal networks has been growing much faster than the previous generation. It’s unheard of for my parents to have hundreds of friends until they start using Facebook. According to Dunbar, a person can only keep track of a certain number of relationships, more or less 150. Any more than that, the brain treats new relationships as abstract connections rather than real interpersonal relationships. Tracking all of the connections in a meaningful way become a huge effort. Not many bother with it and risk losing all the relationships they have built. On another note, I have observed that most people have a falling out with their friends often due to misunderstandings and unintentional neglect. Most divorces happen because the couple can no longer tolerate each other. However this intolerance doesn’t happen overnight. All the negative emotions have been building up for years until a conflict explode them all in one spot. I believe gamifying interpersonal relationships will solve all the problems mentioned above.

OK! What do I mean by gamifying interpersonal relationship? That sounds like a fantasy. In fact, I got this idea from a fantasy game. In Dragon Age Inquisition, the game keeps track of all of the decisions and the conversation options you have made throughout the game. Then the companions react to your decisions and your personality in an organic way. Here are the two videos that will give you a good perspective of what I mean. Be aware of the words (e.g. Solas slightly approves) on the bottom left hand corner of the screen.

The videos shows how differently Solas reacts to your conversation choices. He is a man of wisdom and champions the freedom of all beings. If you act ignorantly or violent, he greatly disapproves of you. However if you try to understand his perspective and perhaps flirt with him, he becomes caring and kind. 

As you can see, the game has hidden approval bar for each companion. Approval points are added or subtracted from the bar according to how you play the game. Here’s how it works

·       Slightly approve +1

·       Approve +5

·       Greatly Approve +20

·       Slightly disapprove -1

·       Disapprove -5

·       Great Disapprove -20

·       Neutral/Indifference 0

Companions with high approval points trust you and considers you as a dear friend. Companions with high disapproval hate your guts and wants to leave you as soon as the opportunity arises. Approval rating in a relationship is something you are building constantly. Translating this system in the real world will solve all our relationship problems.

In the game, you gain approval or disapproval by doing the following actions.

Approval

·       Doing favors (loyalty missions)

·       Being compassionate

·       Being understanding and thoughtful

·       Respecting the other person’s beliefs

·       Being polite

·       Being confident

·       Being competent

·       Being selfless/humble

·       Their response to your big decisions

Disapproval

·       Denying their loyalty missions

·       Being a jerk/douche

·       Being selfish and power hungry

·       Belittling other’s feelings and beliefs

·       Being unreliable/incompetent

·       Mocking them

·       Being violent

·       Being arrogant

·       Their response to your big decisions

Apart from their responses to your big decisions, everything else is common sense. In the game, the companions react to your decisions realistically just like in real life. It is realistic because you cannot control how your big decisions will affect them. You have to decide what you believe is right regardless of their opinions. However in the game, you can gain back the companion’s approval if you later explain your sincere motivations behind those decisions or balance out with doing more approval actions for them.

Yet you would be surprised how many people fail to know whether they are gaining approval or disapproval with their friends and family. 

So how do we use this knowledge in real life?

Create an approval system of your own in order to track the relationships you have built. Observe their body language, listen to their tone of voice, and of course listen to what they have to say. Be very honest and track the approval ratings with each friend or loved one. If you believe you have screwed up with a certain friend in the past because you did one of the disapproving actions mentioned above, then try to reverse her approval by doing and saying more of the things she appreciates. When you are talking with your significant other, try to see whether he slightly approves, disapproves or greatly approves of what you are saying. When he smiled or expressed gratitude, it means you have gained 20 approval points. If he screams at you or don’t look you in the eye, you have gained -20 points. Being constantly and mathematically vigilant of your relationships will create more trust and bring more happiness in your life.

Signs that you have lost approval points:

·       He is not smiling as often.

·       He is constantly complaining about the little things

·       Being angry about what you have done

·       His body is not fully facing you when talking

·       Making fewer eye contact

·       Being more sarcastic than usual

·       Being very vague in conversations

·       Stopped complimenting you

·       His tone of voice is lower and uninterested

Signs that you have gained approval points:

·       He smiles and laugh freely in front you

·       He talks about himself and his feelings openly

·       Being understanding of your little mistakes

·       You have his full attention both in body orientation and in spirit

·       He speaks in a high tone of voice

·       He compliments you in any way he can

·       Being genuinely interested in you

With this vigilance, you don't need luck. You can now take active steps to carefully build your friendships and relationships.